separation anxiety.

This has been a difficult blog for me to write.  I’ve mulled around the thoughts in my head for quite some time.  This is a raw, honest, agonizing place.  I’m a bit terrified to put these ponderings down on “paper” but I’m more terrified to keep them locked up in my brain.  So ~ out they come.

Separation is not an easy thing.  I’ve talked about attachment before on here and it’s something I think about often.  I’ve noticed in myself a natural tendency to fiercely attach to various things ~ whether they be relationships, circumstances, or accomplishments, believing they define my significance, provide me with a sense of belonging, and/or give me a purpose.  It’s sad for me to see how easily I am deceived.  And when I think of the mitigating factors behind by behavior, I’m faced with the painful truth that I am surrounded by separation.

God created us to be in constant fellowship and community with Him, but our sin has separated us from that perfect relationship (Isaiah 59:2).  Gratefully, we are not separated from His love (Romans 8:38-39), but I believe the fullness of the experience of being a part of Him is impossible as long as we walk this earth.  And whether we are willing or capable of admitting it, that separation is painful and we will stop at nothing to avoid it.

I think there are two different types of separation that exist.  One is the kind experienced by those who don’t have the knowledge of anything different.  Pain is existent, but the answer to why is buried in the depths of the unknown.  These individuals go about life not fully comprehending that there is a God longing for relationship, connection, attachment with them.  The other is experienced by those who know the truth and understand on some level what they are missing.

So, aside from the obvious, why is this so important to me?

I think God challenges us to catch a glimpse of His intentions by utilizing our earthly experiences.  After all, He repeatedly speaks to us through the analogies of our daily existence.  And so I come back to separation.  What in my life most directly resembles (although does not come even remotely close to touching) this aching severance that exists between me and my God?

In my lifetime I have been separated from two mothers.  One I only knew for nine short months.  Like those who have yet to grasp the potential of a connection with the Creator of the Universe, I am unaware of what that relationship could have been beyond the sustenance of 40 weeks in a cozy, nurturing, life-sustaining womb.  And then separation.  The other I knew for 29 years.  Together we weathered hardships and triumphs, shed tears of joy, traded words of anger and shouts of praise, and encountered many moments of laughter and love.  There were times of tenderness and moments of anguish.  And then separation.  Daily I am aware of this relationship that was ripped from me and the elements that once existed within it that I can no longer embrace.  Yes, some of the essentials are still there – death cannot change love, it cannot erase away truth, it cannot destroy the bond.  But, it causes separation from something I can specifically identify.  I know what I am missing.

I have dwelled in both realms of separation and the shattering of attachment causes deep aching within me.

And I sit in a similar circumstance with my God.  I long for what is unattainable in this life.  I know in many ways what is beyond my grasp and still there is so much more that I cannot even begin to comprehend.  So, I try to fill the missing pieces with impossible matches because sometimes the hurt seems too difficult to endure and the disparity between what is and what will be appears as though it will never end.  Separation hurts.

But hope is eternal.


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2 Responses to separation anxiety.

  1. Robin DiRoberts says:

    I miss your mother so much and can only imagine the longings you have to speak to her and to experience the bond that your two once shared. She would be so proud of you, Tori, and Carter. I read the posts of your family’s, and I smile because I know that your mom had so much to do with how well you are, who you are, and who you will become 🙂
    I also find it very interesting that you mention your birthmother — having had a nice warm womb in which to grow for nine months. From my own experience, Keenan, who, as you know, is not of my womb, has always cherished hiding in dark, closed-in spaces, where he has to curl up in the fetal position. I’ve always been told that he does this because he was adopted??? It doesn’t bother me — I just find it interesting that he has that longing for a place he cognitively doesn’t remember. The mind is a beautiful thing, and it certainly doesn’t let go of sweet experiences.

  2. Adrienne says:

    i am sure that was very hard to put onto paper….a lot of thoughts, a lot of open hurt. i truly appreciate that you did write this because it was so real and so honest.

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