control freak.


I got to do THIS over the weekend and it was glorious!

With some major help from her roommates, I got to surprise Sarah in Chicago for her birthday.  It was an awesome weekend filled with laughter, great conversation, more laughter, hanging with Sarah’s amazing friends, and getting to usher in the first real snowfall of the season (something I’m quite sure I was more excited about than Sarah was!).  God bless great community!

Like I mentioned, I was fortunate to have some really great conversations with Sarah and some of her friends.  Interestingly, a big theme that arose was the topic of control.  And naturally I thought, “Ooh…a new blog topic!”  To be honest, this is something I have been reflecting on for quite awhile now so I was really just looking for an excuse to post.

I think the best way to start off this rambling of thoughts (and I’m warning you now – this could turn into a 5 part series!) is in true AA style, by admitting the honest truth.  So, here goes.  My name is Debi and I am a control freak (ok peeps, I know I’m not the only one!).  I love to control things.  Now, I don’t do it in this overt, manipulative, obviously off-putting way.  It’s more that I am relentlessly trying to control my own destiny. Without ever verbally acknowledging it, I had become certain that my ability to make the right decision would ensure my success, happiness, and general feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction with my life’s journey (insert maniacal laughter here).  Boy was I wrong.  And gratefully so!  But I’ll get to that later.

Despite the fact that I have become increasingly aware of my struggles with control, I still quickly backslide into that familiar territory so easily!  All right, moment of honesty, here are some of the areas where I fight for control most often and with the greatest of effort.

  1. Anything and everything to do with my emotions (and honestly, this is likely the root of everything else on this list as well).
  2. The role I play in my family.
  3. Dating.
  4. Money.
  5. Career.

And the list could go on and on. Interestingly enough, I’ve noticed a common theme among the various parts of my life I so desperately try to control.  Drum roll please….it’s fear.  Fear that people won’t like me, fear that I won’t be successful, fear that I’ll be taken advantage of (again, another list that could go on and on).  Yet, these are the words that are promised to me.

“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” John 14:27

But I am fearful and I desperately cling to control. Conundrum!  Why can’t I rest assured in God’s promise of peace?  Why can’t I fully trust that He is carefully watching out for me in all aspects of my life?  Why can’t I completely embrace the truth of His word?  I know the immediate answer is because I don’t know Him as intimately as fully trusting Him requires.  But untangling that statement involves many more thoughts than I can fit into this already-pushing-essay-length blog.  So, more to come….

In the meantime, I would love to hear how you struggle with control, if you feel so comfortable.  You can post in the comments or shoot me an e-mail (my full first and last name, no capitals or spaces, at mac.com).  And if you can’t think of areas, maybe start with identifying what you fear.  That seemed to work quite well for me. 🙂

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4 Responses to control freak.

  1. Ben says:

    I discovered that the biggest, and most difficult, step is admitting that you have no control over those things. Only when I was able to say that something was totally out of my control or even my ability to influence it, was I able to learn to trust God to handle it. Mind you, I’m still working on the let go/learn to trust thing, but that’s been my experience.

  2. Sarah says:

    This was a good excerise for me. . .

    What do I fear?. . .hmmmm. . .I guess the things that jump out at me the most would be –

    1. Loss of job / financial stability
    2. Loss of health
    3. Feeling unsure about who God is and what he expects from me.

    If I’m honest, I would say number 3 is the thing that drives everything else on my list. Maybe if I knew God and understood my place in the world, the other worries would lessen?

    The idea of surrendering control is really hard, and just when I think I’ve gotten it, I realize I don’t.

    I would love to hear more about this issue. . .will be anxiously waiting to see if you turn this thought into a series! 🙂

  3. Pingback: you’re so vain. you probably think this post is about you. | musingsonthejourney

  4. Pingback: you’re so vain. you probably think this post is about you. | Beautiful Consequences

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